Ear Sex in Minus 20
by Lady Emzebel
Summary: Things get hot between the captain and his first mate, despite the freezing weather. Shame about the earrings though... Crackfic oneshot. Enjoy.


Title: Ear Sex in Minus 20

Pairing: ZoLu

Rating: T for naughtiness, it's nothing _too_ graphic though.

Timeframe: Just after the Drum Kingdom arc.

Warning: Slash, slight crack.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.

It snowed today while I was at school. I blame that for inspiring this fic. XD

-----X3-----

Zoro was tired, cranky and cold. Especially cold. Having not left Drum Kingdom's climate zone yet, the air was still bitingly glacial, even more so as dawn approached cloaked in darkness.

The Merry Go's first mate sat cross-legged in the close, slightly cramped quarters of the crow's nest, supposedly on night watch duty. In actuality he was attempting to get warm enough to have a quick nap, but failing that he made up a game that consisted of finding as many creative, longwinded, vulgar names for the witch and the love-cook.

_It's all their fault I'm up here, freezing my ass off! Damn it! So cold! Even this coat's no help!_

The swordsman cursed as he rubbed the tips of his ears, noting that the skin felt vaguely waxy under his fingers. It wasn't that he was particularly worried that he couldn't feel them anymore, but really...what kind of Greatest Swordsman in the World was missing the tips of his ears thanks to _frostbite_ of all things?

"Pitiful!" Zoro hissed under his breath. _I shouldn't even be succumbing to such a pathetic ailment. _He rested his elbow on his knee, put his chin in his palm, and stuck his bottom lip out in an expression of sulky contemplation as he consideredthe methods he could use to warm up.

_Right, push ups it is._

The swordsman moved to sit back on his haunches before getting into position.

Punctuating the breath between each push up with a word, Zoro started a mantra.

"Real...men...don't...feel...the...cold!"

"Really Zoro? Sugei!

The swordsman, being far too cool and stoic to do anything as undignified as jump out of his skin in fright, merely settled instead to clench his teeth and make a choking noise of shock as he slumped to the floor.

The intruder crouched on the rim of the crow's nest like an overgrown rubber monkey and watched the green-haired man twitch with suppressed yelps and grinned widely.

Zoro recovered quickly and leapt to his feet before seizing his captain by the front of his shirt.

"Damn it Luffy! Quit creeping around!"

"Shishishishi! Zoro, you're so funny." The younger boy weaseled out of Zoro's merciless grip and slid easily to the floor, crossing his legs as he did so.

"What are you doing here?" Luffy stared up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

"I wanted to keep you company, Zoro. It's quiet in the cabin without you snoring."

Zoro made an instantaneous mental note to himself to never let Luffy say those words again within earshot of Sanji.

_Ero-cook's always bitchin' about my snoring. He doesn't need backup..._

Zoro folded his arms and scowled as he crouched next to his captain.

"You got somethin' against my snoring?"

"Nah. I like it. It makes Zoro...well...Zoro."

For a moment the swordsman was surprised, but then he smirked and nodded in satisfaction.

"Good thing s_omeone's _got the right idea."

Luffy giggled.

Zoro, suddenly realising that his few moments of rapid activity—grabbing Luffy—combined with the rather pathetic number of earlier push ups had warmed him up quite nicely, settled back against the wall of the crow's nest.

He might have dropped off to sleep quite contentedly then and there had he not remembered the disturbing numbness in his ears.

"Ne, what's wrong Zoro?" Luffy noticed the disquiet in his first mate. Zoro grunted roughly.

"I can't feel my ears."

Luffy sweat-dropped.

"Don't be silly Zoro; it's easy. Just put your hands up, like this..."

"Baka! I don't mean that! I mean they've gone numb!"

A quizzical tilt of the head.

"Numb?" Luffy echoed.

"Yeah, probably cuz it's like minus twenty out here or something."

The head tilted the other way, still quizzical.

"Minus twenty...?"

"Yeah, you know, like the temperature? Minus twenty is pretty damn cold."

"Cold...?"

A pause.

"Gah! It's cold!" shrieked Luffy, flinging his arms to hug himself. Only then did Zoro realise that Luffy was still only wearing his customary vest— which was actually unbuttoned—and his capri pants. There was no warm winter jacket in sight.

"Baka! Notice these things sooner!" Zoro snarled, rubbing at his ears furiously. He stopped when he heard an ominous crackling sound and distracted himself by talking to Luffy again.

"Why the hell don't you have a winter coat on?!"

"I don't have one." Luffy whined. "I lost mine back when I was carrying Nami up the mountain, and then when I borrowed hers it got ruined when I kicked that guy's ass, and nobody else will let me wear theirs!"

Luffy paused for a moment to think. Zoro decided to ignore the smell of burning rubber.

"Oi, gimme yours." Luffy reached out and tugged on the sleeve. Zoro jerked his arm away.

"Like hell! Get your own!"

"But Zoroooo, I'm cooold! At least let's share?"

Zoro took a moment to erase that image in his head. It would not do to let blood spurt from his nostrils and indicate to his captain that his mind was in the gutter. That would give the rubber boy ideas...ideas best kept to a bedroom or at the very least an abandoned clearing in a _warm_ tropical forest.

"Nope. Not gonna happen." Zoro slumped back against the wall of the crow's nest and crossed his arms, averting his eyes from Luffy's kicked-puppy dog look.

"I promise I'll be good! I'll keep still and everything. I won't squirm at all. Pleeeease, Zoro!"

A slender eyebrow was cocked.

"Oh do you indeed?"

"Yes, yes, I dooo!"

"No squirming? You'll stay completely still?"

"Yes, Zorooo, please, I'm really coooold!"

"Hmm, well, I dunno..."

"Zoroooooooo!" The swordsman sighed heavily at the grating whine and sat up straight again.

"Alright, alright fine..." he growled before hastily unbuttoning his long winter coat. "Get in."

Luffy crowed in delight and scooted straight into Zoro's embrace, entwining his thin gangly arms around the thickly muscled torso and snuggling close. Despite the close proximity, Luffy kept his promise and stayed very still, except for the initial snuggling. Zoro was quick to fasten the coat again before the night chill leached all warmth from their arrangement.

That done, he leant back against the wall of the crow's nest, holding his captain tight, and closed his eyes in a vain attempt to catch a bit of sleep despite his frozen ears.

"Zoro?"

"Hmmm?" His eyes stayed shut.

"Do your ears still feel numb?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Oh."

There was silence for a short moment, and Zoro was just wondering—with equal parts of relief and disappointment—if his captain had drifted off to sleep when he felt something warm, pointed, and slightly wet trace the spot under his right ear. His groin twinged automatically at the erotic sensation.

His eyes jerked open sharply to see Luffy watching his startled reaction with wide, mischievous eyes, and his tongue poking out from between his lips.

_Pervert captain..._

"Luffy..."

"Hai?"

"What are you doing?"

Luffy smiled naughtily, sending shivers that definitely weren't caused by the cold down Zoro's spine.

"Unfreezing your ears. I don't want a Zoro popsicle...even if that might taste really, really good."

_Holy shit...my captain knows dirty talk._

Just the thought of it made Zoro's pants grow exceedingly tight, and preoccupied with this fact as he was, he hardly noticed when Luffy leaned in again until the rubber boy started to suck and nibble on semi-frozen cartilage.

Zoro's leg jerked reflexively, hitting the opposite side of the crow's nest with a dull thud. He had just enough presence of mind to keep himself from crying out, but didn't quite manage to swallow a throaty moan. Though he couldn't exactly feel the hot wetness—not yet anyway—he knew it was there, thanks to many previous experiences, and that was all it took to get him uncontrollably horny.

Luffy just chuckled, his hot breath tickling the swordsman's neck.

"Oi! Oi, Luffy, what about your promise?" Zoro protested as he struggled feebly.

"I'm not squirming...yet." Luffy mumbled through a mouthful of ear.

"Luffy! That's not..."

Luffy silenced Zoro by quickly stuffing a hand down the front of the green haramaki and tight-fitting black pants to gently tease a growing arousal; all the while his mouth continuing its non-stop molestation.

There was no further argument after that.

Luffy started with the tips of the ears, treating them carefully as they were the most far gone. After several minutes Zoro started to register sensation again in the top part of his ear. At first it tingled, much like the sensation of pins and needles; then it burned white hot as blood returned to flush the peeling skin pink. Zoro revelled in the pain. To him, pain and pleasure—of the sexual nature that is—went hand in hand.

When Luffy moved down to draw the cold fleshy lobe between his lips, Zoro decided to reciprocate and reached beneath the coat and into Luffy's pants to squeeze his ass with calloused hands, kneading the pliable flesh and occasionally stroking, feather light, between the firm cheeks.

The captain's breath hitched but otherwise he carried on with his ministrations, both with his mouth and hand.

A few more minutes passed when Luffy suddenly withdrew his hand, slightly sticky with foreign liquid, from Zoro's pants. Moving quickly he dried the swordsman's ear of all saliva, before moving onto the other with his mouth. His hand, having completed its secondary purpose, returned to Zoro's aching length.

Zoro arched into Luffy's grasping hand, panting little white clouds into the cold air. The captain let out a tiny growl into the ear he currently slavered upon.

"Touch me...more...more than just this." Zoro swallowed, a wicked glint appearing in his grey eyes.

Well, it _was_ a captain's orders; and Zoro would have been more than happy to comply had Luffy not moved down to his left earlobe before suddenly stopping all movement entirely.

There was a brief silence. Not awkward, but certainly not comfortable either. It was more like one of those what-the-fuck silences.

Zoro didn't actually say as much, though he'd have liked to—having Luffy's hand suddenly stop pleasuring him when he was much enjoying the attention was not something he was accustomed to—but he didn't beat about the bush either.

"Oi Luffy, why'd you stop?"

The response came back garbled.

"Mah...mah hong ih huk ooh uh heerin..."

"...what?"

The next response was slightly more urgent this time.

"Mah hong ih huk ooh uh herein!"

"One more time...slowly please."

"Mah..."

"My..."

"Hong..."

"Thong?"

"Nuh uh, hong!"

"Tongue?"

"Uh huh...ihs..."

"Is..."

"Huk..."

"Huk?"

"HUK!"

"Errr...stuuuck?"

"Yah! Ihs huk ooh uh.."

"Is...stuck...to...your..."

"Heerin."

Revelation dawned in the swordsman's eyes as he groaned and thudded his head back painfully hard into the wood behind him. As he did, he felt all lust, and his erection shrink back into inexistence.

_Wonder if Chopper is up for a few late-night patients. _Zoro mused grimly.

He had forgotten that wet things stuck to freezing cold metal.

_Damn fucking earrings!_

-----X3-----

I fail epically at writing smut but without practice you can't make perfect, so there you go.

I personally, have no love for this pairing, but then this was written for somebody else so it doesn't really matter. Originally I was going to put Sanji is Luffy's place but he's not stupid enough to go outside in cold weather without a coat. Then I thought of Usopp, but I don't think he's really that stupid either, so Luffy it was. I actually kinda had fun writing this story...maybe it was the end that had something to do with it. XD

My friend, Bo-my-monkey, has recently been introduced to One Piece. She said she would never-in-a-million-years watch it but she has and she likes it. She's now a rabid Sanji-fangirl...I believe this is why she doesn't ship SanZo; she doesn't like sharing. ;p

The first yaoi pairing she spotted and committed to was Zolu, so that's why I've written this for her. Happy Belated/Early birthday, m'dear. Whichever you like. 3

P.S. Dear readers, please do review. I don't like flames (ie. ew, gayness! you suck, etc.), but I will gladly accept any constructive criticism. I really would like to get good at writing decent lemons; it might become my fall back gift at Christmas.


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